Sunday, 23 October 2016

Let it be



A couple of years ago I started suffering from severe panic attacks... Severe to the point that I was afraid to leave my house. This was during my second year of university and I felt like no one believed that this was how I was feeling, or that no one else understood how I was feeling. These attacks actually calmed down a lot during my third year of university, which was a massive relief but I was still having about 4 a week I guess. Once university was over, I stopped having them altogether. At first, I thought there was a correlation between finishing university and the panic attacks stopping.

However, there clearly wasn't a correlation as the panic attacks started again this year. I was in an abusive relationship, to the point that I was having daily panic attacks that affected every aspect of my life; my work, my friendships, my personality... Now the panic attacks are much less but I'm afraid of being alone, in case there's no one to be there to help me, to calm me. I'm afraid of dying. (Dramatic as it sounds, I know.) When you have a panic attack, it literally engulfs you. You can't breathe, can't move... You feel physically sick, as though someone is strangling you, or punching you multiple times in the stomach.

Slowly it will get easier, and I know that. It got easier before. Right now, I have amazing support in my life but I just can't control these panic attacks, no matter how hard I try to, no matter how hard I try to let go of the hard feelings. I suppose the only thing that I can do at the moment is let it be. Everything will be ok, in time. It's a hard lesson to learn, but a true one. I'm finding that going for walks is really helping to clear my head, to feel more calm. Finding the beauty in the outside world, helping me to find the beauty in staying alive.

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