Monday, 12 September 2016

The important things in life


I apologise in advance for what will likely be a strange topic to talk about so openly, but I feel like I want to talk about it, so here we are. I've spent most of the past seven years evaluating, reflecting and rethinking every little thing and ultimately, my conclusion was a consistent strive for happiness. During my teen years I assumed that pleasing others, for example actually attending school and passing exams, going to university would make me feel fulfilled and happy. I spent most of the past seven years more or less desperately unhappy, feeling isolated and alone.

I suppose that the bottom line was that I was looking for fulfillment in the wrong places; looking for friendships and craving a 'best friend', which to be honest I've never really felt like I've had. I was always exponentially jealous of anyone I saw having a best friend and craved that for myself. Alongside that, I never had a bursting at the seams kind of friendship group, and moving schools, living far away from others meant that I was a bit shit at keeping friendships. I hated sixth form and I hated university. I had a couple of shit relationships, one of which was so fucking demoralising to the point that I felt completely worthless.

Once I stopped looking for happiness and felt, I suppose you could say untroubled by the intense feelings of aloneness I somehow found happiness. I realised that I don't need millions of friends to make me happy. I have a handful of friends, and that handful make me happy whenever I'm surrounded by their company; be that a text, or a meal at a cheap as can be in a dodgy suburban pub. My best friend I found in someone I never looked for and on the surface have absolutely nothing in common with and yet we literally 'click', to the extent that I know I have found my forever friend. You'll always know the difference because of the people that look after you when you're down and celebrate with you when you're up are the ones that truly care and Amanda is the one friend I can call and know I'll always have support from, however terrible the situation I've landed myself into feels.

I've also found the one relationship where I'm slowly learning my worth. That it shouldn't be all give, you need to take as well. I'm actually an incredibly slow learner. I'm having to learn to listen and not just talk, to give love and receive. That having sex is actually about love and that you want that person, you want a connection with a person physically and mentally. Yes, I'm still having bad days or weeks (that's the side effect of having mental health problems, unfortunately) but it feels like slowly, but surely my life is getting better. They always say you find love when you're not looking and I would say that's true. Piotr has given me and love and stability that I never thought I would feel and his company makes me feel whole.

So the one thing that I've finally learnt is that you should never give up on life, never give up on the hope that one day everything will finally fall into place. Many things will go wrong on the way and if you hit the bottom then the only positive outlook is that 'the only way is up' and I've literally lived that to know that's true. I have absolutely no clue where my life is going but that's ok. I have two people who I can rely on every step of the way for support and that's all I need :)

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