Thursday, 22 September 2016

Monthly Reflections #2


On a serious note... I have no idea where this month is disappearing?! It's suddenly turned colder and autumn is definitely coming into full swing, but I like it. I love autumn and wearing jeans and boots and warm clothes. Literally I feel like achieved nothing at all this year, but in reality I've actually achieved a lot personally. Ever so slowly I'm learning to be more positive and far less negative. I'm learning to enjoy the small things, like taking my dog for a walk or listening to music on the bus on the way to work. Photography has become an essential part of my life and a way of releasing creativity, as well as enjoying the world around me. I've realised that having a hobby, a distraction, helps me to keep perspective during harder times.

I'm in a fantastic relationship with the most amazing and supportive person, who puts up with all of my shit (somehow) and I need to be more appreciative of the time that we spend together. I've learnt that it's not always the length of time you've been a couple but how much someone means to you that's important. I've stopped counting months and days and instead am enjoying all of the moments, however small. Giggles on the bus or sending each other stupid snapchats, waking up to nice texts are what makes the time special. I feel like the months are going faster now because I'm starting to feel a little better.

I think it's time I went to a doctor and spoke about my negative feelings, how I'm almost always down when I should be feeling fine. I want to tackle my issues with anxiety and try to (embrace?) (almost?) that I have a mental illness, something is not always fixed in a matter of minutes or hours, even days, weeks or months are not enough. I've struggled for literally years (if I'm honest around thirteen years) and I feel that now is the time to finally admit it. I'm wondering if I need to see a therapist, but maybe the answer is confide in the people around me. No, I don't have thousands of friends but I can name several who would listen and definitely support me, and for that I should be more grateful.

So, yes this months reflections have been a little strange, a little confusing, perhaps. But I guess that's also a reflection on myself, as I'm a little strange, a little confusing. I'm a female in my early twenties with so many things to understand, to work through. I'm twenty three, have no idea what I'm doing with my life, or what I want to do with it and I think that's ok. Everything in my life is going ok, so I need to learn to live in the now, rather than living for the 'future' that I dreamt up for myself whilst I was around eighteen years old. So many things have changed in those five years and so my outlook needs to change to reflect that. Nothing in life is set in stone.

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